Recently, I've felt a need to go through a change in my life. I have a desire to be more physically conscious by fixing myself up more, working out and (somewhat) darkening my hair. I have a friend who accused me of wanting to be more like my old self, but she couldn't be more wrong. My smartass answer is I've never had my hair this dark before (haha), but the truth is I just want to be more desirable: typical me...joking in an attempt to dodge my real feelings.
Emotional change is also apart of this transformation. I'm completely in tune with my feelings but struggle in conveying them. My opinion spews freely and filterless, but I mask my emotions for protection from scrutiny. In order to achieve this simple step I must learn to trust more which will only come once I deal with some of my issues that keep me from doing so.
I'm a work in progress :p but I think once I can learn to trust fully I'll finally be able to allow myself to be in a committed relationship again. I've dodged commitment for so long because my last relationship left me at such a vulnerable state. After such a lengthy span, I welcome commitment in my life despite my inability to trust because I don't want to have issues, and also, for the most obvious reason, I have a genuine interest in sharing my life with someone.
What I can't fathom is if I'm so ready why do I keep dodging this much needed change in my life? If I'm ready to trust then it's damn sure time to prove it...time to get back on the saddle that I keep seeming to fall off of. I went to a farewell party for a friend last night, and while there, I met some really great guys. Of course the only one I was remotely interested in was the one who retreats when commitment comes up and is lucky to remember a gal's name. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if this type appeals to me solely because I realize that if he doesn't want to commit, I won't have to worry about it. Uggh! Eligible bachelors interested in my phone number beware...I'm a basketcase! haha :p
No comments:
Post a Comment